The turkey said Google, Google!

Everything was all ready.

The tables were set.

The 16 paper handprint turkeys Bobo and I made were cut, glued, and set out as placecards.

The pies were cooling on the rack ordered and picked up from the bakery.

It was my first Thanksgiving dinner at my house, and I was determined that everything would be perfect.  There was just one thing left to do.

The turkey.

I had planned meticulously ahead.  I had researched spice recipes on the internet.  I had called my mother earlier in the week and grilled her about how to cook the perfect turkey.  (What kind of roasting pan should I get?  What are those little tinfoil snakes used for, anyways? How does your gravy turn out so good?  No one can make turkey gravy like my mom.)  I actually remembered to defrost the bird.  I had set the alarm to an ungodly hour so I could pop it in the oven.

I was fully prepared to cook the dickens out of my first turkey.  Or so I thought.

The morning of Thanksgiving the alarm went off at the crack of dawn.  I stumbled downstairs and groggily turned on the oven to preheat.  With one eye open, I lugged the turkey out of the fridge.  But when I took it over to the sink to wash it out, something fell out of the middle of the bird.

When I saw it lying in the sink, I yelped and jumped back a bit.  For the love of God, what WAS that?

And then I knew.  Obviously, someone had left the frank and beans in the middle of my turkey.

A slew of questions raced through my mind:

What kind of sick joke is this, anyway?
Am I being Punk’d?
What exactly am I supposed to do I do with that?
Cook it up?
Throw it away?
Use it as a garnish?

It was too early still to call my mom.  And I was more than a little embarrassed to try 1-800-BUTTERBALL.  So I turned to my old standby.  Google.

In the wee hours of the morning, I sat at the computer, Googling the phrase “turkey penis.”  Not how I envisioned starting my Thanksgiving.

Eventually, Google straightened me out.  And, suffice to say, the meal (and the turkey) turned out just fine.  But I learned a few things that Thanksgiving day.

I learned that there are some phrases you should never, ever type into Google.  Oh MY.

I learned that you can cheat and use the pre-cut, frozen mashed potatoes.  And, if you add enough butter and cream, no one will know the difference.  As long as you carefully dispose of the packaging.

I learned that my mom really does make the best turkey gravy I’ve ever tasted.

I learned that being able to have four generations of family sitting down at my dining room table is something to be thankful for, indeed.

I learned that tryptophan has no effect on children under the age of four.  Especially after three pieces of chocolate pie.

Most importantly, I learned that store-bought turkeys come with the neck and the gizzards inside the bird.  And I learned what a turkey willy does not look like.

Thank you for that, Google.

I hope you all are endowed with a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Mama's Losin' It
#4. Describe a memorable Thanksgiving.

24 thoughts on “The turkey said Google, Google!”

  1. my mom had a similar experience her first turkey…except instead of wondering what it was she was wondering where it was…she even called the grocery store to say they shorted her giblets. She didn't realize there were inside the turkey till her mil calmed her down via tears over the phone…thanks to that I knew where they were and what they were! MB this year was totally freaked when I pulled them out!

  2. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for posts that contain the terms "franks and beans" and "turkey penis" as well as the word "endow."Btw, the correct term for a male turkey's genitalia – Tom's Tom Toms. I could be wrong.

  3. Hee hee hee, love it. On the first Thanksgiving we hosted, we didn't discover the turkey penis until after the turkey was cooked. And on the table. Being served. Yeah.

  4. "I learned that there are some phrases you should never, ever type into Google" Truer words were never written.

  5. This was terrific on so many levels!!!Turkey penis being the first of course, because I'm dirty minded that way.But you were a mixture of wisdom and hilarity all mashed up into the terrific person you are.

  6. HAHAHAHA!! This is hilarious! I can't even imagine the things that the Google Gods spewed out on your computer screen. Good gracious! See that's why I leave the turkey cooking up to the pros…my mom. I just can't bring myself to putting my hand into the Turkey cavitiy. It's like I'm sticking my hand right into it's soul…shudder.

  7. I accidently laughed out loud (at work!!) I have yet to fix my own turkey yet… maybe next year…we'll see! After your experience, I'm rather intimidated lolThankful to have you are a blog-friend! 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving!

  8. I'm guessing you were impressed at how huge your turkey was?! Shoot. If you were impressed by the neck, you should see the penis!Also, googling {anything} + penis is a bad idea.Happy Thanksgiving!

  9. Oh my god…I AM DYING!!!!Turkey penis!!!Best turkey story EVER. And I thought mine was good. Silly me.

  10. What the heck did we ever do before Google??? I think about the fact that I went through all of my education – highschool, university and college without a computer!I've never made a turkey and I admire you for giving it a shot.

  11. You are brave for sharing this tale. i would imagine there are many cooking snobs that will laugh and roll their eyes.me? i let craig do it all. 🙂

  12. Thank you so much for making me, literally, laugh out loud.Now I'm ready to go start baking!

  13. Oh man, you are cracking me up! I can TOTALLY see why you would think that was what it was…if you'd never seen one before. I mean, a turkey penis. Or a neck. Oh, you know what I mean.Happy Turkey Day to one of my favorites!

  14. I have never ever heard it referred to a turkey penis and now I will never ever refer to it as anything but a turkey penis. So funny! Okay…let me go google it. Curious minds you know!

  15. I never thought about a turkey having a penis before – thanks for giving me something to Google!And what if it's a hen? Wonder what you would have called the mystery package? 'Girly bits?'Thanks for my first Thanksgiving laugh!Happy Thanksgiving!

  16. lol best thanksgiving read EVER! seriously love it! i won;t be googling certain -ahem- phrases but i ill put that place-card idea on my list of to-dos! so happy to hear that it was such a lovely thanksgiving, indeed! 🙂

  17. Oh Lord, you are a brave brave mama! 😀 I have yet to cook my own turkey but OMG you are my hero! Now that word turkey penis will be stuck in my head hahaha.

  18. Endowed. You're too funny. I admire your bravery for cooking for that many people. AND for having the mental capacity at that hour in the morning to figure out WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON. I would have definitely called my mom. Or abandoned the project. But I suppose you can't abandon Thanksgiving when you're the host. Glad you had a happy one!

  19. I love the title of your post- "Google, Google". Ha! I have never made my own turkey, so I am impressed that you made your own. That sack of goods falling out of it ensures that I probably won't be making my own for a while. Ew.

  20. I love how there is little bags of "thingies" in both ends of the turkey. Who is resposible for telling us these things before we get married??? Too funny! I loved your post!

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